It's like God shit irony all over that family
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
