I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
