Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
