Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
