First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize