I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
