im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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