did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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