The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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