Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize