Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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