I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
