I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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