we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
