My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
