I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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