I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
