Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
