so that wasnt chicken after all
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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