I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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