I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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