found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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