Soap is not a condiment
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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