it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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