We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
