I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
