sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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