you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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