ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
