Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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