Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
