Just fell off a train. Bad.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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