Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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