Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
