I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
