she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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