Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
