She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
