I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
