Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
