Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
