I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.