We won't sleep together?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
