I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
