the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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