a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
