Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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