fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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