just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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