Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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