I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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