Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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