i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
