i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
