Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
